Cut and Run???
Cut and Run???
This has been one of the weirdest weeks in my life. . .
as far as the thoughts and feelings I have experienced. The predominant feeling has probably been fear and I know that if there were no fear at this time I would truly be out of my mind. The thought has dawned upon me that it isn't too late to cut and run. I could just tell every patient that I prescribe a pain medication to that I can't treat them anymore. I would still maintain over 80% of my practice. I could walk in to my hearing on August 20th and state to my accusers that the problem is solved, goodbye, hope I never see you again. No hard feelings, right? That could be the beginning of the end of my nightmare. I could then try and slip back into anonymity, even though there would still be many who would see me as that bad doctor from the smear attack who did all of those terrible things that time. At least my livelihood would be protected.
I have seen during the week that the vast majority of patients, pain and non pain related, continue to support and believe in me and actually do understand how the government and the media work together to exert their will and control for their own causes. Even those that don't understand things that clearly do understand the concept of standing for a principle and know the difference between right and wrong. I saw a patient a couple of days ago who had been referred to me from a local pain clinic to help him cope with the loss of his ability to earn a living and other stressors associated with having a chronic pain condition. This was the third or fourth time we had talked and he trusted me to manage all of his pain medications along with his antidepressant treatment. We ended up on the topic of illegal substance abuse and the negative impact it has on us all. The conversation ended with him commenting about that Dr. Evil that was on the news last week who had been dispensing narcotics to all of those patients without seeing them. That's when I realized how insane this whole thing has been. How could the very same patient entrust me with his very life and at the same time have a fear of a despicable monster that is also me? I think that moment reassured to me what is truth and what is not truth. It is not I who is the real enemy.
I contacted a leading expert in the War on Pain Doctors and educated myself more through his website and have begun to understand more about the politics of this whole thing. I don't really know how I got here and I'm not sure if I want to be here or not, but I am here. I was most disappointed from the learning that the Medical Board is not an organization of peer physicians but more so an organization more loyal to the DEA and the government. I realized that I walked right into their trap without any legal representation three years ago. I also realized that it's not much of a war when one side has all of the ammunition. At least the side of the doctors has truth with it when it isn't allowed to be smeared or tainted, which has become the primary job of the media. There are hardly any journalist who investigate enough to really seek the truth. At least the newspaper did make an effort to get my side of my situation. The TV news did no such thing. They just used the press release in the manner it was intended to be used, assuming the accused to be guilty as charged. That type of thing is scary enough when thought of as conspiracy theory. It can take on another dimension when it really happens.
Should I cut and run now and leave 20% of my patients to make it the best way they can? This could all be over in less than two months if I do. My self preservation instinct says that is absolutely what I should do. My core values and moral obligation, however, would never allow me to do such a thing. If I were truly a corrupt individual I would have money to buy fine lawyers and wouldn't really need to work anyway. Since my situation is quite the opposite I am going to conclude that maybe I am not wrong in taking a stance here. My patients have stood by me and I continue to pick up new patients daily. They are the reason I do what I do. I have to continue to let my conscience be my guide. Dr. King once said that a man not willing to die for something isn't fit to live. I don't plan to die but I think that phrase symbolically captures how I feel.
War on Pain Doctors
HEADoc
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What a week . . .
I didn't know Ed McMahon was still alive until hearing of his death, I was saddened deeply but not too shocked by Farrah's passing, and I still can't believe Michael is gone. Not to even mention pitch man Billy Mays and a couple of other prominent personalities that left us in the past week. What is this, the rapture or something? I heard an interesting quote from the Kung Fu Panda movie. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift which is why it is called the present." To me that about sums it up. A friend once offered some advise on coping which was to always remember "it's not about you." I took this to mean that there is always a much greater plan at work than our own personal trials and tribulations. In the end everything is guaranteed to work out but karma is an essential ingredient.
Since I was 11 years old Michael has been a part of my emotional and mental make up. In 1969 there was nothing like the Jackson 5. I remember every single recording in sequence to this very day. I could most easily identify with Michael because he was the center of attention and was just 3 months my senior. Everyone adored him as an adolescent. That's the Michael I love most. Every boy wanted to be him secretly. I thought it was so cool when girls told me I looked like Michael Jackson.
MJ remained a presence throughout my college years and in my opinion was at his peak during the Off The Wall period. He still embodied adequate masculinity appeal not to trigger emotional insecurities or discomfort within most male fans during this time. Something seemed to happen during the Thriller years through the Bad album debut. After the Bad promotion I felt no longer able to identify personally with MJ. Physically, I would have found it somewhat offensive to be compared. In retrospect, I believe this is the period when MJ began to transcend race and gender in a way never accomplished before. I was not pleased but over time became able to understand better and appreciate where he was trying to go.
I always felt bad for Michael when he was misperceived and misunderstood or when harsh jokes were made about him. It was quite a sacrifice to forfeit ones childhood in order to give to the world his gift of music and entertainment. Plus having to deal with the issues involved with family, friends, and socialization. I don't believe any of the hype about him molesting children. I believe he longed to be a child and could identify closely with the innocence and honesty possessed by children and pets. I understand how when a person reaches a certain status there is no where to go but down. The media is one instrument often involved in this process.
Joe Jackson commented that he wished most of all that Michael was alive to see the out pouring of emotion across the world since the news of his death broke. Often we don't recognize the true value of something until it is gone.
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During our last episode. . .
The HEADoc witnessed his SUV almost demolished by the unannounced falling of a dead tree. This led him to ponder the question of random coincidences versus fate. Thus far, fate is the winner. The HEADoc hopes that readers don't take these adventure stories the wrong way. They are intended to provide a humorous way of viewing human experience and realizing that we all have some short comings and don't always get things right on the first attempt. Most importantly, it is probably unhealthy not to have enough humility to laugh at oneself from time to time. Although, it is likely true that The HEADoc, by nature, from time to time does tend to push the limit a bit with certain situations. But that's what keeps life from becoming a bore. Right?
In the most recent episode, The HEADoc finds himself obsessed with the idea of digging a pond. Unsatisfied with recommendations and expense estimates provided from consulting a couple of individuals who own the equipment to make this happen, The HEADoc is besieged with the brilliant thought and plan of doing the job himself. He knew of a friend who does construction work for a living who would be able to lend a hand if necessary. He finds himself with a little time on his hands. And digging a pond isn't exactly rocket science. Right? So The HEADoc does his You Tube and Google research on mini excavator and bull dozer operation. He figures to be able to do most of the work in a day or two at most.
The HEADoc presents to Sun Belt Rentals requesting a Bull Dozer for 24 hours. He is informed that such items are no longer available for rent but perhaps a mini excavator might be more suitable. The following day The HEADoc finds himself in the cab of 11, 000 pounds of earth moving metal and rubber. The feeling of power associated with plucking 500 pounds of earth or slapping down a tree with the flick of a couple of joysticks was indescribably exhilarating. It seemed so simple. Why had he waited so long to do this? After several hours of digging like a mad man there were several substantial sized holes in the ground and accompanying mounds of dirt, but nothing remotely resembling the pond envisioned. That's when it began to set in that a monkey could be trained to dig holes but construction of a structure such as a pond requires a bit of knowledge and a lot of skill.
The HEADoc asked his friend Miles for some assistance with what to do about the large mounds of dirt and rock and how to proceed with the digging. He was able to lend a hand after his daily construction job. On day 2 a hose ruptured on the mini excavator and The HEADoc was doused with hydraulic fluid. Not so much fun anymore. The repairman arrived on day 3 at 8:00 am and things were rolling again. The pond was starting to fill from the constantly running spring, which was encouraging. The water caused some of the dirt next to the edge to become unstable. Around 1:30 pm The HEADoc found himself violently ejected from the cab while rotating the machine to dump a bucketload of wet dirt and the stabilizer blade beneath gave way on one side. He could barely believe he wasn't seriously hurt as hard as his head was slammed against the roof. The greatest fear and suspense was wondering if the $50,000 machine would slip further into the hole and be damaged before a tow truck arrived. 911 said they don't normally send tow trucks but they could send an ambulance or, heaven forbid, the Fire Department. 411 said they could only give out one number at a time for wrecker services. The number provided just happened to be out of service. Instead of calling 411 back for another number The HEADoc contacted his friend Miles who was there in just a few minutes and happened to have a neighbor who owns a heavy duty towing service. The machine was saved and ready for service within a few minutes. The HEADoc had had enough high tech excavating and sought out his hand shovel. After a day of rest he returned to the cab but was extra cautious. Never again would The HEADoc take lightly the amount of work and expertise required to construct a project such as a pond.
Where does the psychology enter the picture here? Why would a grown man of presumably sound mind devote so much effort toward a potentially dangerous endeavor, especially for one with no prior experience? Since childhood, going fishing was always near and dear to The HEADoc. Several times he recalls being run away from people's ponds for trespassing or denied access and dealing with the feelings of disappointment. He vowed to one day own his own pond, even if it killed him. When The HEADoc completed his residency training he was fortunate enough to purchase a home that had access to a pond just a few feet away. Still he did not own the pond so apparently that did not fulfill the dream. Maybe that helps interpret some of the madness. The pond, for the most part , has been completed and so far it looks like it will be beautiful. It should be completely filled in the next couple of weeks.
Saturday marked the one year anniversary . . .
of The HEADoc downing the power lines and summoning the fire department for an afternoon of unplanned excitement. What could he come up with this year to top such a feat? The HEADoc actually just hoped for a quiet afternoon of piddling around the stream and newly developing garden area and an opportunity to become one with nature. Sometimes Mother Nature must get bored and have a need to have a little fun herself. At least that's the way it sometimes seems to happen.
The job for the day happened to be completing a small bridge across the stream which basically consisted of a large corrugated PVC pipe with large pieces of lumber on each side then filled in with dirt and debris. Not exactly an engineering wonder but just enough of a challenge for the novice landscaper. As the HEADoc positioned the dump cart to begin filling it with dirt a loud crackle was heard not too far away. He looked up to see a substantial sized dead tree of about fifty feet in length and 2 to 3 feet in girth beginning to break and fall. From the HEADoc's very clear point of view the tree was going to fall directly onto the top of his 4 Runner. Now this tree had probably been in existence for maybe 75 or 80 years. Why was it choosing this particular moment in time to unload its gravitational energy upon a vehicle that had never caused it any harm? There are 168 hours in a week. The HEADoc spends from 8 to 12 hours a week at his retreat. This had to be the worst of luck. Somewhere down a long list of things to do the HEADoc planned to cut down the tree properly but he figured it would stand tall for at least a few more years. This was not to be The HEADoc realized, as he screamed the words "Oh Hell" in terror and realized what was actually occurring. There was a surreal feeling as time seemed to almost halt for the next five seconds. In The HEADoc's mind there were flashing images of glass breaking and metal being crunched followed by thumbing a ride back up Highway 421. The HEADoc winced and prepared for the impact of May Disaster 2009. The tree missed the 4 Runner by about 3 feet or less as it crashed into the ground shattering into several fragments. Only a few small broken branches from the neighboring tree came to rest upon the roof of the vehicle. There was a sigh of relief followed by the sobering thought of just having stood in the very spot where the tree impacted just moments before. Was God or Mother Nature trying to communicate something to The HEADoc through this event or was it just a random coincident?
Different people may interpret such an occurrence in several different ways. The HEADoc, strangely to some, makes the interpretation that he was actually in tune with nature on that particular day. Were he not in tune the outcome could have easily been much different. Some people might say that one is an idiot to entertain such a thought and what happenedwas just one of infinite random coincidences. The HEADoc believes that everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences.
Being elated not to be without a vehicle and most importantly not to be struck dead by a massive piece of rotting wood, The HEADoc had a wonderful day in which to appreciate nature in its entirety. Everything seemed to take on a beauty not previously appreciated. The bull frog seemed to not show the reflexive fear and automatically retreat for cover. The birds would not stop singing. A monarch butterfly lit on The HEADoc's shirt and slowly flexed its wings for several moments. The mosquitoes did not bite nor did the bees sting. A rare orange salamander was a sight to behold. Tadpoles at all stages of development swam amidst the clear pools of water. The crayfish and occasional minnow blended in with ease. The deer could not be seen but the crumpling leaves gave them away. The closest creature to a snake seen this day was a lizard or two. The HEADoc deep within wanted to contact a snake in order to face his longstanding fear of a creature probably undeserving of such loathing and repulsion. Such a creature has somehow even permeated dreams that could have been less unpleasant. To conquer any fear it must be faced. The HEADoc will make a vow to allow any non poisonous species to live. That represents at least a degree of personal growth.
psychiatry
I like to think happy thoughts and write happy thoughts. . .
For reasons I will not discuss that has been difficult to do lately. My life has entered a twighlight zone but I believe firmly in Nietche's law of that which does not kill us indeed makes us stronger. Over time it becomes apparent that this Quest 4 Sanity never really ends, though it can be ignored or cast aside. When I completed Evolution of a Psychiatrist Against the Odds in 2004, the story ended at a place of great challenge but also of hope. I could have never imagined the unfolding of the following years. In many ways unbelievably wonderful things have occurred in my world view as well as some extremely bad things.
After my last post I was hoping to try and forget about those people from a certain organization and was ready to start doing so until learning the real truth behind the motivation of my recent persecution. I cannot go into it but I found the undisclosed truth to be shocking and almost beyond belief. I have enough to begin a novel right now but I know it would not sell because few readers would find the plot believable. I want to think that I'm just narcissistic but the narcissist is usually incapable of insight to his own narcissism just as the psychotic individual is oblivious to his own delusions and views the voices he hears as reality. So I don't believe myself to suffer from character pathology or a psychotic process.
If any of this comes off as weird it's because it is weird, even to me. Every now and then I allow myself to free associate a little just to throw the reader off track. This journal is one of the few places I'm allowed to let some of my true thoughts flow. I'll only allow that, however, if I feel there might be a bit of entertainment value or educational value to what I write. Often I will remind a patient of why dreams are thought to be a necessary part of maintaining a healthy mind. Our dreams originate from the subconscious mind where the vast majority of all our thoughts are stored. That includes most of the thoughts and memories we would rather not be bothered with. The more those thoughts and memories are repressed and suppressed the more they want to breakthrough our psychological defenses and invade our conscious thought. Dreaming is one way this occurs and is believed to be one way of emptying some of the garbage from the subconscious mind. Dreaming gives us the opportunity to just go absolutely and undeniably insane for a brief period of time. By doing so in our sleep it becomes less likely certain impulses will be acted out in our waking life. I've heard that the crazier the dream, the more creative the dreamer. There are no rules in a dream. A good therapeutic dream usually will make little sense to a sane individual, though endless interpretations may be possible. Beware of one who claims not to dream.
On a more serious note, tonight I urge any person interested in the future of mental health care to write our Representative Verla Insko in the House of Representatives and urge her to vote against the upcoming N.C. Senate Bill 202 Appropriations Act of 2009. The way it was explained to me is that the Bill will limit the use of Non-generic psychiatric medications for many mentally ill patients. This is seen as a step in the wrong direction because it is not known if generic medications will work as effectively for certain mental conditions where there is data backing effective treatment with the name brand products. The motivation behind the Bill is to save money. I don't think risking the well being of mentally ill individuals is the place to start cutting the budget. I doubt many of those patients would want this if they were able to speak for themselves. Traditionally, they haven't always had advocacy and mental health is one of the first areas to be cut or eliminated when changes are made. I don't think this is what's best for our society. If interested, please email Rep Insko at verla.insko@ncleg.net
psychiatry
I am forced out of Journal Posting retirement today. . .
I made an entry a few weeks ago and clicked save and it was lost into that black hole of no return. I took this as a sign to take a break, which I did. Alternative outlets to writing had become chopping down trees and digging holes. Since I do it just for fun maybe writing isn't so bad after all. At least it doesn't cause tendonitis and back pain. The real reason for today's post is to hopefully provide equal time for myself. I spoke with the local newspaper yesterday and was informed that they would again be publicizing my situation with the Board today. Since I know that rumors will again be widespread, I want there to be at least one place where people can find the truth from the horses mouth.
I met with the Board on March 20th for formal sentencing and to put some closure to my four year ordeal for choosing to prescribe pain medications without following all of their criteria for every patient. They really had very little to make any case to be taken seriously until the media became involved last June and they were able to get someone to come forward against me. They then blocked my DEA number to prescribe bupenorphrine and accused me of prescribing it without a license. I began to realize that the deck was stacked and it was time to cut my losses and do whatever they wanted. I was fortunate enough to have an attorney who understands the Board because of once working for them. I received some personal validation from learning of this attorney's views about their loss of focus and mission and the way they do business. The doctor receiving his consent order before me pitched a fit and raised a little hell but it didn't make one bit of difference. It probably just made them angry. I was humbled by the experience. I told them I valued my license, I found myself in a difficult situation for a while, and if I knew then what I knew now I would not be before them today.
The way it stands now my practice of psychiatry will not be affected at all. I will have six weeks active suspension of my license during the months of May and June. Personally, that isn't a bad thing because I haven't had a real vacation in many years. I made a plea about not likely being able to find coverage for the time I'm out. That plea fell on deaf ears. If the ER or Mental Health Center have a problem with this I guess they should take it up with them. My hands are tied.
Most of all, I don't want my patients put into another panic like last summer and think that I am going out of business or going to prison for some crime. In my opinion, this is mostly political. I detest the role I have been cast into but there is nothing I can do about it but play along. I am not completely innocent here but the situation has been blown out of proportion and attention has been distracted from what the true problems are. On a much more grand scale this type of thing happened when the establishment went after President Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal. In the mean time, matters leading up to 9/11 were ignored or placed on the back burner. I see several new patients a week who are abusing opioids that they did not get from me. I haven't written a prescription in over six months for an opioid. The action taken against me has not made one bit of difference with that problem other than making other physicians more certain to avoid prescribing opioids at all. Perhaps heroin will make a come back. I don't have any answers but I feel like I understand the magnitude of the drug abuse problem better than any bureaucrat in Raleigh. I tried to do my part. I was unsuccessful. I am through with it.
<object height="144" width="225"><param name="movie" /><param name="allowFullScreen" /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OwL02bEq5Dw&hl=en&fs=1" height="144" width="225" /></object>Dr. Alex Deluca, Pain Relief Network
psychiatry
Burlington News
Former North Carolina state Sen. Hugh Webster has taken the stand in his own defense at his embezzlement trial, saying $12,000 from his aunt was a gift.
Burlington Police are looking for a man they say stabbed three people, then led officers on a vehicle chase.
While sitting in the middle of heavy traffic early Tuesday afternoon, lead vocalist Clint Horton of the band The Magnificents, took the time to talk via cell phone.
SellGold.com Offers a Valuable Service in Tough Economic Times BURLINGTON, NC, June 24, 2009 /PRAvenueNW/ -- For months gold prices have been soaring in contrast to the slow economy.
Anne K. Morris will be the new executive director of the Burlington Downtown Corp.
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